Humour

The Ode Of The Satanic Seagull…..

Look, your tormentors, your coastal Kings, the rulers from the edge of your eyes.

All seeing, all evil, our name means fear, our deeds much more….

Gazing, watchful, and ready- your comforting fare the exposed and mouth ready prey..

Our providers, our clowns, our culinary captives….

We were here before you, and will also be after. Our domain, our rules- harsh and without remorse.

Such desire for you, so unloving and cruel, from the stomach not the heart, from our twisted minds- but not our conscience.

So stay a little longer; for our supper is due, for our bowels are weak, and our warped gay abandon needs its subject…

People’s Republic Of Brighton & Hove In Shock Bid To Host 2022 World Cup.

The People’s Republic of Brighton & Hove is expected to launch a shock bid for the 2022 World Cup if the Swiss investigation concerning the bidding process eventually forces a re-run.

A spokesman for the newly formed Republic said earlier today: ‘’FIFA has ruined the image of football worldwide; it’s time for change. And we believe that bringing the tournament here will be a refreshing start’’

‘’We have the infrastructure in place. Preston Park will be the centrepiece. The football pitches will be safely roped round and each one can accommodate a crowd of at least 90,000 (statistics from the Ministry of Miscommunication and the Dark Lord of Spin)’’

‘’Also Queens Park Bowling Green, in the occupied territories, could finally have a useful purpose after years of neglect- providing we can force a by-election by then’’

‘‘The Minister for Nagging will immediately be despatched to Geneva to put forward our case’’.

It is believed that the Ministry for Retrospection had suggested a different hosting date of June 1970, citing that this was before Blatter’s tenure and that the Republic need not await the outcome of investigations. Also the Ministry of Inclusion has indicated that England need not have their usual worries about failing to qualify as everyone who wants to compete will get a chance.

The bid has run up against a few complications however. The Ministry for Toilets Costing 20p has argued that the coins may be out of circulation by then, causing major queues at the said facilities, and the Ministry for Agreeculture backed this up commenting ‘’Yes, whatever they said’’.

Opinion has been also divided among other government departments. The Ministry for Laziness was unavailable for comment, and the Minister Without A Clue knew nothing of it.

A successful bid would serve as a boost for the local economy and encourage investment. The spokesman continued: ‘’The abundance of citywide facilities is greatly encouraging. Blakers Park may need a little flattening out, and we may be able to go just outside the borders and come to an agreement with England over use of the AMEX, although we are concerned it may be a bit small. Wish Park has been identified as a possible venue, although football may be seen as a bit working class in some of those parts’’

‘’The event will afford a wonderful experience for tourists. All the arrivals, on the re-nationalised railway south of Patcham Tunnel, will be greeted by lentil bakes and granola. It’ll be the first organic World Cup’’.

The Ministry of Tut Tuts has reported seismic reverberations in the highest level of tutting within the Hove Park area since the announcement was made. However, this was simply believed to be a few folk recounting their experiences of refugees on their recent holidays in Corfu….

The Spokesman continued ‘‘We’ll show the world how to host a diverse, organic, multi-faith, inclusive and, erm, yeah all those nice words that make us really warm and fuzzy, event. Gay people are welcome too, it looks like they’ve arrived already’’

There may be a problem for the hosts when it comes to the footballing side of things though, as they don’t yet have a team.

‘‘We have a kick about at Preston Park this Sunday, If it doesn’t go well we are hoping to get England and Scotland in our group…”